It’s strange the way that little things get me so emotional these days. I don’t know when in my life I decided that man was inherently evil, but somewhere along the way I have forgotten that there is the potential for good in all of us.

The smallest actions make me cry with joy and a small bit of surprise. The other day I was studying at Starbucks and an older gentleman came in for his morning coffee and chat with the regulars. He so preciously announced that he was going to go to his daughter’s house this weekend to take her kids off of her hands so that she and her husband could have a weekend to themselves. He chuckled as he told his buddy that he just hoped that he could make it back alive. I thought it was so sweet to see him take an active role in their lives. You could tell that they meant everything to him. I know that I was spoiled and fortunate to have had wonderful grandparents like that, but I just expect that to be an immense rarity.

There was also a pair of gentlemen outside of the grocery store that I saw the other day. One was a scruffy looking white guy with an air about him that made me think that he had to be a veteran, accompanied by an unkempt Asian man. They were transporting a grocery cart full of goods, the kind that one only sees during the holidays, to their car. It was filled with various foods that had bright red tags that easily identified them as sale food; cakes and pastries, breads and meats among dozens of canned foods. Here were these two gentlemen, their faces revealing that they were so clearing missing something big in their lives, buying goods that I could only assume were for families in need. Why were they so generous? Why weren’t they as bitter as the next person; as bitter as I would probably be if my life had come to the point that there’s seemed to be at?

I’m here, again, at Starbucks tonight, sitting next to an older guy who adorably has his computer and gadgets set up in a way that even one-ups me. With his web cam light blinking bright red and his headset on, he spends a good hour speaking to someone on the other side of the dimly lit screen. His daughter? Sister? Traveling wife? Whoever she is, the happiness he gets in talking to her is clearly displayed through his jittery actions and giddy fluctuations through his South American accent.
I find myself more and more living to find these moments in my days. Those golden nuggets where I am once again reminded that people are good. That things are never as bad as they seem. That having someone else to live for is often the key to a good, happy life.
Could it really be that simple? Is living your life for someone else really the secret?

I guess its something new that I could try.

So I've realized this weekend just how much I adore my apartment and how sad I'm going to be when I leave it in a year from now. So I thought I would take some pictures of it in its prime so that I can remember it when I leave for Hawaii.


( Come on in. )Enjoy!

 So this past week, as with every finals week, as put me into make it or break it mode. I really want it to break because I'm tiring of trying so hard. Can't I just cop out for a year or two and have fun?! I wish I didn't care about my future career as much as I do. The thing is that I'm positive that I will have job security and money in anything I do - I'm too motivated to let that not happen - so why is it that success only comes in the form of an M.D. for me? 

I watched this clip last week. I actually started to cry. I want that passion for something. I want to be happy and know that I love what I am doing and wake up in the morning with fresh ideas and new things to experience. I get that from my crafts and cooking, but I'm no longer that excited about becoming a doctor. I know this quarter has mentally and physically beat me up, so I'm not going to give up on the ultimate goal. But boy do I need time to rest and reflect. I really feel empty lately. Nothing makes me feel proud of myself, just marginally happy. And I'm thankful for that, but that's really not enough. 

I think all of my concerns come from the fact that I've never had time to be silly and be a kid. I went from being a responsible high schooler, who got good grades and did way too many extra curricular to being a college student struggling for good grades, still doing too many extracurriculars and desperately worrying about managing my money (of which there is little and never enough of). I can't to move to Hawaii next year. Sadly, it's my only salvation. It's the only thing I have going in my life that could correct my point of view on life again and let me have fun for once. I just want to feel whole again. 





I miss that feeling.

Colbert this week is awesome. I'm so happy to see him visiting Iraq. It's incredibly sweet and, in my opinion, way over due.

 
Hah, Colbert went to training sporting a prissy Louis and asking for chapstick.


Does this come in prescription?




Colbert got his hair shaved!! 

Ok, it's much funnier if you watch yourself. I loved it.

Go watch now!

Nuff said.

Just for you Tanja

Watching Baby Mama 

I'm watching Vantage Point right now and Valkyrie later. I really need to find myself some friends with better taste in movies so that I don't have to wait for movies to come out on DVD...  

It's interesting to see the different paths I see my life going. Part of me wants to be a mountain woman, walking around barefoot around my farm with a pregnant belly and  passing the day baking and cleaning. Then there's the other half of me who can see myself running this chaotic urban life and striving for all of the best. You know the type, the classic over-achiever with a gorgeous house that gets featured in Architectural Digest. 

I love thinking about these things because I know that my life will be nothing like how I imagine. I cannot wait for the days when I will be able to look back at my dreams and laugh at them. Hopefully because I realize that my happiness came in so better ways, but mainly because I know that my path will take so many unexpected turns.

<3

I've got things good... real good. That's something that you don't really hear too much. In today's world, I'm overwhelmed with the typical issues that someone in my stage of life faces. I worry about how I can make the $1000 I have left over from my loan last a quarter when my rent alone is $575. I worry about whether or not the classes I am taking are too hard or easy and if what I am taking now will screw me up next quarter because I won't have any easy classes to balance out my schedule. But most of all, I find the majority of my thoughts residing on the issue of the person I am becoming and what dictates my decisions. And in the the fatigue that is onset by that last point, I find peace. I think today I finally realize what the people closest to me have been saying.

This past year has been no vacation by any means. Who am I joking? Physical comforts aside, I would have rather been in jail than in my position. At least then someone would have been making my decisions for me. I know this all sounds so melodramatic, but I've faced some serious forks in the road this year and questioned each foot step before I even picked my foot up off the ground. In one of my way too numerous therapy sessions I had via the phone with various family members, my brother told me that at one point I will realize that although I see my actions as my choice and even worse, I may fall, I have to realize that God still loves me regardless. That things are good and in the word's of our pastor, "Nothing you can do can make God love you any less. Nothing you can do can make God love you any more." It is with the recollection of those words that I find my daily contentment now. I find myself often having epic debates with myself about things that most people don't even flinch about. I realize that I am responsible for my actions, and not just how they affect me, but how they affect others. I don't mean whether or not I hold the door for someone on my way out of the mall, but more so about whether or not my decision to study on the Sabbath will help or hurt my chances of going to heaven. And if studying on Sabbath prevents me from going to heaven, it it still worthwhile to miss my shot at eternal happiness if it means that I can one day become the great doctor that I intend to be. And in doing so allow other people to have the gift of physical health that so often gets in the way in achieving spiritual health.

After a nice day of reflection instigated by a good sermon on prayer and a talk with a great friend who is struggling with the role that God plays in her life, I have come to a great realization: THESE THINGS ARE NOT IN MY HANDS. This is something that my friend and I so greatly argued about. She thought that the good things that come her way are a reward of her hard labor, and for me it is a reward given by God for me hopefully being good to him. but most often given to me through grace because I really didn't deserve it. I guess it is in counting my blessings that I realize how much I don't deserve these things; and in some strange way, it is in acknowledging that I don't deserve them that causes me to deserve them. In realizing that I am not even close to what I want to be, I realize that  I am exactly who I want to be: I am a strong, very independent woman who is incredibly loved, has everything she needs, and questions her actions because she wants to be the best human being she can be. Most importantly, I do not take it for granted.

When I came to Davis 2 years ago, with my shiny new car and mommy and daddy paying for everything, it was incredibly easy for me to realize how green the leaves were on the trees. I'm not kidding... I remember driving down the same street I live on now and thinking thankfully: "God, thank you so much for the little things in life, like these wonderful green leaves that are starting to turn yellow. It is in these that I can see you and be thankful for the things that you give me." Since then I have found myself dwindling, passing by the same trees and thinking nothing of them; spending more time complaining more about the price of gas than praising the wonderful gift of a reliable new car I was given. I guess it's today that I realize that I am that same person. Although my cares and concerns often get in the way of me taking time to appreciate things in the same light, I still know they are there and I am still thankful for them. 

In deep conversations with the people I love most, i usually reveal that I think I am no where near as good of a person as I used to be. I suppose that could be a little true, but what I often find myself lacking is the necessity of reassuring myself that I AM GOOD. I do right by the people I meet and in general I always try to make them proud. But what I am finally realizing is that I, myself, am good. I do good, I act good, I even study good. Yes, I know you're probably thinking what I am right now: "Don't you mean 'well'?" But no, I don't. I generally see good in everything and in those things that I normally don't I'm warming up to. Who else says on the first day of class that they are taking a class because they think it will make them a better person? ME. ME, ME, ME.

Today I am giving myself credit for that. I am my worst enemy at times. I can never give myself credit for what I have become, for the things that have shaped me, and for the paths that I have decided to take. I am amazing and I deserve to give myself a little brake.

So as I'm crying here writing this entry that I am a little tempted to erase and feeling sorry for being sorry I am forced to remind myself that as pathetic as this sounds, I need to remember this day to day. I need to know that I am good, and I will be good. I just need to keep on the path I have begun and with my family and friends encouraging me it will get easier. I will understand when I do things right. I will know what is right. I just hope I can remember that when I fail, that will be okay too.

Today Rome was absolutely gorgeous. The sun was out and Piazza Novona was more beautiful than I had expected. We just stayed there and soaked in the sun. The water in the fountain was so cold which was a beautiful contrast to the heat. After sitting on the side of the fountain like that I realized just how beautiful and romantic Rome is. It is the place to go with the person you love most and just spend time together. I love the way we have gone about seeing Rome. Everyday we just pick a point to get off of the Metro at and just wonder around. We have seen everything this way: the pantheon, Basilica of St. Ignatius (which had gorgeous paintings on the ceiling), trevi fountain, and the gorgeous gardens of the Villa Borghese on top of all of the others that I have already forgotten about. If you don't have any one you are romantically interested in, Rome is full of amazingly good looking men. On the first day I was really disappointed because all of the guys we saw were hideous, the were gypsies! Then, at the fountaine de Trevi I realized what everyone has been talking about. Beautiful!

After spending some time relaxing around the fountain, I walked around the 20 some painters, admired their beautiful art, and bought myself a smaller water color painting of the spanish stairs. I think I will collect a painting from everywhere I go.

Then I had the most delicious Ossobucco, yummy. If you don't know it's baked lamb and mine was sauteed in peas and tomato sauce. By the way, I have forgotten how much better tomatoes are in Europe. I remember eating them like apples in Croatia they were soooo good. Of course our waiter, Angelo, had to hit on Mimi. He kept asking her to meet him after work and that he'd take her away on his motorcycle and leave Tatiana and I with 2 boys that he would find. It was funny until we realized that he was serious. We ate up and tried to get out of there as quickly as possible. After going to the gelati store, we realized Tatiana had left her jacket. She said she remembered making sure she had not left anything, so maybe Angelo took it to see Mimi again? Strange.

After that we got some more gelati and sat some more by the piazza, then walked by the pantheon, and sat for a while by the trevi again. O, and I just came back from seeing the pope at the colosseum for a Good Friday service. Not that I really care to see the pope, it was just nice to be there. Did I mention that us three girls are having the best time ever and that the boys could not be cuter? Everyone openly flirts with each other, it's great. Not that I try to flirt that much or anything. It's just cut to see that people aren't so shy. But it can get annoying with all of the boys whistling and staring at your butt as you walk by. Meat Market!! Regardless, I think I'm coming here every spring break. It's a great place to be just before Easter. The pope is out, the sun is shining, and boy do the guys look great.


I wish everyone could come with me next time and that all of you were here now. I will tell you more later and post pictures too. I come home Sunday. See you then!

Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you admission to the University of California, Davis for Fall Quarter 2006 in the Biological Sciences major. To see all that UC Davis offers you, please visit the Explore and Campus Resources sections to the right.

In whatever program you study, you will receive an exceptional education and a degree that is respected by graduate schools and employers around the world. Our philosophy of learning, discovery and engagement means that you will graduate with an academic foundation strengthened by research and internships. It also ensures that you will understand how your learning is relevant to the greater world.

The deadline to accept or decline your offer of enrollment on this Web site is 11:45 pm (Pacific Time) on May 1, 2006. To accept, you must pay a non-refundable, non-transferable $100 deposit.

You do not need to make a declaration immediately; you may return to this Web site as many times as you wish before the deadline. Please encourage your parents to visit our special page for parents of admitted students.


I'm totally stoked. So what does this mean. In the worst case scenario I go to one of the nation's best school's with pretty much the best Bio department. YESSSS!!!!!

ps. my user pic (me and my daddy bugging the heads) is at Davis. It is so beautiful there.

So why is it that every time you think you have it all figured out, your life seems to be going perfectly, you love everything about it, that someone puts your life into perspective, no longer allowing you to love your the things you were ignorant toward? For me this is my family.

These past two weeks have been eventful. My parents have completely tried to persuade me that I should go to Pacific Union College because, after all, college is where I will probably find my husband, knowing how early I want to get married, and public school has really taken me away from God. So now, after applying to 17 of the nation's greatest universities, I find my self wondering if that was just a waste of money? Was it? I guess I'll just have to pray about it and see where I decide to go. Then I'll know. But I hate that I have to rethink all of my motives for going to another college, any other college! So now I am doubting that...

I also find myself doubting who I am and I HATE THAT. I have ALWAYS been one of the most solid people in knowing who I am. When everyone else sold out to being idiots and smoking or drinking, I stood strong to who I was and even though I still am strong, I'm finding more and more that you are who your friends are and maybe I am not around people who make me better. Jonny always said that your friends should make you a better person, and I'm SICK of doing that for everyone else and no one for me. Farah is seriously the only person who does this for me. That's what I love about her. I really feel that I don't let her know how much she means to me a lot of the time. I really do take her for granted. But not anymore. I am tired of stupid people who make me into a terrible person. Who I don't say, "You are pathetic. What are you running away from when you are drinking?" Thank God I am realizing this early on, that I am so much better than half of the people I surround myself with. I am tired of holding my tongue and not saying anything to everyone when they're talking about their weekends in yearbook.

To all of you who I never say anything to:
You are pathetic and will never be happy in life. Not because I say so, but because you run away from everything and cannot appreciate how good you have it. Good luck to you, you'll need it. I hope you prove me wrong, but chances are, it'll never happen.

Today we celebrated Jonny's 25th. It's so sad to see how much all of us are growing up. Ideally, we will all be out of the house in a few months: Jonny working on his project, Tanja going to college at La Sierra, and me at whatever college I finally decide. I didn't really think of any of this until my grandpa read a passage about how God will give you all of the success in the world so long as you keep true to the words in the Bible. My grandpa started crying and got us all going. It's terrible. How am I going to be strong enough to go away next year when I've never really lived more than 100 feet away from almost everyone in my immediate family. Even my grandparents live next door to me! And the other set lives in my house 6 mos. of the year. I'm just embracing college for all it will be. A chance to meet new friends like me, those who make me a better person as I try to make others better, those who will keep me true to who I am and what I believe, those who have aspirations to live their live for the good of everyone around them and not just themselves. I love my friends, and will remain close with several of them...but the others. I guess graduation day really will be sad.

Before I write the novel of my life here are pictures of my brother's birthday. I can't belive it!










Jonny and Tanja
(smiling through the phone)




Yummy Magarice

So my sister is coming home on Sunday. I'm so excited. We're going to go everywhere when she gets back. I find it really funny how when I ask my mom to do something or go somewhere, she'll say no. But when my sister asks, it's an automatic yes. I'm fine as long as she's around. The problem is she's in LONDON!
I cannot believe it! It's already and only been 4 months since sissy's surgery. It's weird to even think about it. It all seems so surreal. There are so many things in life that people get mad about so easily: a C instead of an A, a friend telling someone your secret... Whatever it may be it's pathetic. I really believe that everything has a reason, and because of that I am thankful for everything: yearbook deadlines when everyone is late, my mom getting made at me for doing something important at the last minute, even my sister nearly dying, TWICE! I'm so happy to have the life I do and to have been able to share the experiences I have had with the people that mean the most to me. I don't think I can ever go back to my selfish way of thinking again. I know better and am grateful for that.





(Sister and I before Prom 2005)








(Tatiana just after surgery--icky-- and the family taking our Moobie Star out of the Hospital in a Designer Scarf and Fenels.

I know that it may seem that what I am saying is out of the blue. It's just that these college applications really put your life into perspective. Imaging if I had never left private school when I did. How naive I would have been, how strong my faith would still be, how unexperienced I would have been with making friends and education. I loved South Bay and am so thankful for all of the manors I learned there and that they taught me how to worship God and be a good Christian. But I am also lucky for the education Redondo gave me and the friends that I have met. It's really nice to see how good life has been to you so far and appreciate that.